Let it go, No one can take away your Innocence

How often do you end up in your grandparent's lap and feel at peace. They can save you from anything in this world, isn't it? Even from your parent's scoldings. Yeah, they love you the most, take care of you, save you from everything including books :P. And we draw a happy picture of us with them in our hearts, hold them tight and go off to sleep, promising to never let go off. The way grandma makes each of yummiest dishes every time we go to visit them, the way grandpa picks you up and makes you sit on his shoulder and we feel we can touch the sky. The little pretty world of grandparents and us.

You guys must be thinking about all the little happy things they did for you and you made them smile by saying "Thank you grandpa, you are the best". Guys, this post is going to be long and I would like each and every one to read till the end to understand what's children day means for children who doesn't understand it till they are 16-17 years old.

Yeah, so while grandma's are the sweetest creation of god, let me share a little story of mine with you. Am 20, and all my grandparents are dead, yeah all both maternal and paternal. My maternal grandma was probably the sweetest lady on this earth. She was detected with Alzheimer's disease at a mere age of  48 and we lost her when she was barely 58.

My grandpa was very supportive about her, and we all looked up to him as a very promising husband. Since my grandma had totally lost her control on her senses, my grandpa changed her nappies if she peed at night in the bed. Yeah, that sweet of him. Well thats not the real story though. Every person has good or evil in them, and when a little child has to face what he/she doesn't understand till a certain age- this is what happens:

When I was in 7th standard in school.

I went to my aunt's place to stay and play with my little cousin and also because grandpa came to visit us. He was lonely since my grandma was long gone. He use to visit all his children' turn by turn. So, my aunt being totally busy with my little cousin asked me to go and get sugar from the kitchen. As soon I poured the sugar in the glass and was about to leave I saw my grandpa looking at me and grinning. My innocence was very happy to see him happy after such a long time since my grandma left. He grinned, and I smiled and we continued doing the same till the next two minutes till it hit me what really happened. he caught hold of my hand which was free of the sugar cup and pulled me close to hug me. No one in my life has hugged me so close as he did, neither did my mom or dad. It was so close that I almost got frightened. There was a sudden kinda of hormonal rush in my head which kept yelling at me "GET AWAY, SOMETHING IS WRONG". 

And I yelled back, he is just hugging me, "Shut up!". I guess god has given women the strongest yet most unbelievable gift of 6th sense. As I kept fighting with myself in my head I felt his fingers on my chest. Yeah, his fingers were on my right breast. Being born an underweight baby and growing into a very skinny kid, I wasn't physically as developed as other girls were of my age in 7th std. 

Being unable to understand what was he trying to do, I pushed his hands away and smiled at him, and tried moving out of the kitchen. I wasn't half a step away from him, when he turned and pulled me back to do the same again. This time the voice inside me shouted "GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE", and I did. Without saying a single damn word I pushed his hands aside, I walked outta the kitchen as soon as possible and went to my aunt's room.

I didn't dare look back at him or went near to him in the following days I stayed at my aunt place. I was as a state where I was confused whether what I did was was right or wrong?
Right because my head was yelling at me to step outta of the room.

Wrong because my innocence was guilty of pushing my grandpa's hands off me.

I always kept being traumatiing and questioning about what happened between me and grandpa was just a expression of fatherly love or was it really as bad as my head yelled to me. I kept mum about the whole thing till I was in 10th std when one day my sister shared a story where grandpa touched her and she was frightened by his touch. She was mature enough to understand what it meant. She moved away from him as soon as possible and told mom about it on the dinning table. They both were eating when my sis called me and asked did grandpa tried to do anything with me. It was that moment when it striked me and my head yelled  "TELL THEM TELL THEM". This time I told them that he tried to hug me once and he was smiling widely. Yes that's all. I didn't utter a single word. I came back to my room feeling violated!!! I couldn't tell my mom or my sister about anything that happened after the hug.

I was ashamed of myself, I was ashamed of being used by someone i looked up as a fatherly figure in my life. And the most important thing I was afraid. I had never told this whole thing to anyone accept to a friend last year. It might be late to understand and realize things, but once you do it hurts you even worst.

I try my best to keep my loved ones safe and happy, and yet I was molested or rather worst by my own fucking grandfather. He died 1 and half year ago due to heart blockage. Everyone cried and I hated the fact that everyone cried for a person like him who should be treated like nothing more than trash. It was soo much of hatred inside me until now. I meditate whenever the flashbacks haunts me and it has brought me peace. Peace of realizing that my innocence hasn't died because some old nut shell tried to shag off his thoughts by touching me. I am 20 years old going to complete my MBA by 2016, and still I held the pain and hatred of being treated like this by my own grandfather. I am ashamed of calling him my Grandfather. I am ashamed that I belong to his blood. And I am ashamed that I could do nothing that day to help myself.

Today, I am writing this blog because I have let it go now. I didn't cry when he died, I was angry earlier because I thought he didn't deserve to die like this, he should have been tortured bits by bits till he cries his blood to ask for death. But today on children's day, I let you go of your sin. I hope you are born into a better person next time with your soul being washed of with the elixir of goodness and innocence. No, I am still not crying because you died. I did this to let go off the pain inside me. I free you. 

I free myself of anger, hatred, shame, and disgrace towards myself. I was a victim not the criminal, hence forth am a person whom no asshole can dare touch the soul of. I am innocent, I am free.

I don't know what made me write this today, or how will my family members will react if they ever read this. All I wanna say is every person has the evil inside despite of how good he is. All it takes to be able to defeat the evil inside you is in believing the goodness inside you. I hope each and every one of you shares this story of mine. You can take my name while sharing because am not the one to be ashamed of going through all this. Tell your loved ones to be at peace and let the kid be at peace. 

We are in 21st century, and yet we deprive ourselves or our daughter of the lives we/they deserve in the fear of our/their safety. Its not just the girl child, even a boy child can be molested. Parents reading this article please try to maintain a healthy frank relation with your kids so that they can share what they are scared to. 

And to everyone who has been victimized, be brave enough to tell what happened to you, because if you don't another soul will be victimized to this evil. And listen to your inner voice yelling at you.

Be proud of the person you are, no one can ever take your innocence away!!!

Ten Things I have to do in life before ending up in a graveyard happily!!!

Yes, you heard it right! I wanna end up to my graveyard smiling with a bunch of white flowers, btw! I prefer Lillies :P. After all its not a everyday task to end up in a graveyard . And its full n final full stop to your life. So, why not do it in a better way?? Be happy and go.... :)

Pondering upon what I really want from my life, my chemistry teacher pulled the brakes on my thoughts and said "Class Dismissed", Naah he doesn't sound like a army officer! And while walking back back to my place and totally forgetting my old wants from life, I managed to decide upon what will really make me happy doing in my life and what will really make me smiling and ending up to my graveyard.

1. Big NO to be a scholar!

2. NO to arranged relationships, which includes both "zabardasti friendship and marriage".

3.I don't want to be fat ever, neither skinny.

4. No to the fat cheese cake kept in front of me!!! "most difficult" :/

5. And neither have a pet whose average year of living is 10-15 years. I want a pet who lives as long I live. Yes!! I want a turtle :D

Ahhh!!! Yes, these things gonna make smile at the end of life. But wait! I need to think about 10 things I wanna do, or rather 'have' to do before ......... am not writing those words again :P

So, on a serious note what exactly does it take to make life happy n full. Is it making others happy, or does it mean to satisfy your aspirations? It means none, all you have to do in life is get yourself a mug of coffee on the balcony a chair for your own comfort and a laptop to write and read the imaginary world of peace and happiness. Few things that came up to my mind which is definitely gonna help me happier are:

1. Learn making food which tastes like what my mum cooks. 

It's not being selfish to think about your own taste buds and fulfill their wishes.

2. Write, write and write...... all my life.

Yes, i prefer writing and expressing myself more comfortably than keeping on blabbering in front of a lot of people whose gonna laugh at what I am speaking in-spite the fact that they would still laugh if I kept quite.

3. Own a travel blog. 

I have been to few countries which every Indian family prefers the most due to the availability of Indian food styles over their - Singapore, Malaysia and Dubai. I still starved for 7 days in Malaysia and Singapore since I got sick due to the fishy non-veg kind of smell and got busy to look around the hotness in Dubai! ;) I would love to capture as much possible to take a huge size photo album to my graveyard.

4. Sing Opera.

Not the browser, it's a form of singing to blow of glass panes!! *WHISTLE*

5. Eat Sabudana Vada every evening.

This one is an absolute selfish choice. *GRIN*

6. Learn Drawing. 

Ever since grade 1, its insulting to a bad artist. May it be in pencil strokes or the paint brush strokes I have been terribly horrible at everything related to art. I have to definitely learn this or else it ll stress in down the lane too.

7. Run an NGO.

Time for some social service. Being a feminist, I have always been dis-heartened to everything the cultural and social society does to the chromosomal group XX. I wanna do everything possible for the girls who are killed wither in womb or killed by stabbing their dreams and aspirations.

8. Adopt a daughter. 

This was a secret wish which only few people close to me knows. I would adopt a daughter than having a son. No hard feelings, but I have always wanted a daughter, Naah I want 2 daughters. Just like my sister and mum.

9. Meet Rati and Sanjeev from makeupandbeauty.com

Rati has been someone am greatly inspired from. She is "DIVA" and my role model :)

10. This has to be something important and yes I saved it for my Parents. 

I wanna fly them to Paris, take a bag full of Indian Bengali food and leave them free for few days. I have to do this because every couple needs a break from children. I have realized how annoying it must be listening to all the whims and tantrums of your child and still loving him/her unconditionally. 

Yes that's all I have for the 10 ten things I have to do before I die. They aren't so fancy and imaginary that makes them impossible to do. But, yes simplicity is complicated in itself. So, for fulfilling your simple dreams, free your mind from the complexities and start working on what's your 10 "must-to-do" before going to the graveyard happily. What are your 10 things "must-have-to-do" before dying????

Just another story......MUMBAI

The best part of reading a book is completing one chapter and moving to the next revealing a new twist. And the best part of life is shifting to another place, with new aspirations and fresh desires. Few months and I had shifted to India's most busiest city ever, IT'S MUMBAI MERI JAAN!!! ;)

One thing you should never do while being a beginner is "Never ever stop in between the road and look around to take a glimpse!" NEVER.... It will scare the hell outta you.... I swear!

Then eventually when you get used to the place, try exploring and adapting to the free and crowded lifestyle over here. For me, shifting to Mumbai seemed liked the most exiting adventure of my life because,

1. I could read more books,

2. Can go for shopping with 500 Bucks and come back with three t shirts and one scarf (yippee :D)

3. Try all new varieties launched by KFC and Dominos, hihi!

4. Beautiful beaches and ice gola!

5. You can get food at 1 am at night!

6. Live like a free soul wandering.....

Mumbai is a beautifully crafted city wonderland you would always love to leave. Why is it so???

Coz there is country side part of this wonderland which you notice after absorbing all the beauty within. 

Yesterday, while walking back from college, it suddenly started raining heavily. As usual i held open my umbrella walked towards my pg. The droplets of rain and the water spilled on the road kept increasing. I wanted to dance and drench in rain, but since I had my bag with me which would get wet ruining all my month of work of practical module I dropped the idea and kept walking. It was nearly flooding to and extent that my leggings got wet, only my head was saved from the water below and above. And suddenly while taking a turn i noticed baskets of roses each one neatly wrapped beautifully with cellophane paper. There were other flowers too jasmine, nine-o-clock, chameli gajra all put in another basket and left open in the rain on the footpath. Taking a turn, I thought "poor flowers all getting spoiled in rain". When i completed my turn on the road, I saw a little girl hiding her face in her mom's saree with her mom holding her tightly, her husband holding the umbrella and his wife. It was all clear to me, they had just one umbrella trying to save the most they can- their family. 

Its not just about Mumbai or any other city in the world. It about what your heart says and what your brain makes you do. I could have helped the family buying at least few roses from them or sharing my umbrella with the little girl, but i just kept walking looking at them till I took another turn. Was it just my mind or my lessons i learnt from life???

Why is it that people who can donate crores of rupees in the temples still ask back for one rupee as change from the auto-rickshaw wala. And why is it that the same people refuse to give back the one rupee change to the rickshaw wala when its his turn saying " we dnt hv change"? 

And with all the questions hovering in my mind, I slept waiting for a new fresh morning so that it can erase the guilt in the busy life schedule with me walking in the crowd again. 

Socialism @ 21st century!!!

Not all of us are comfortable with the way we project our self. Often we retreat back from the outside world. And this has a lot to do with the way we would like to appear to others. Its the concern as to how people would look at us, how would they judge us and finally how will they treat us. We rate our self and eventually loose our confidence in the process. Either we become a victim of inferiority complex or we tend to be over confident. Both the situations are harmful to us in its own way. More often to free our mind from the external causes, we start being insulting to the people who mean good to us.

This certainly is harmful to us as it hampers our social boundaries. Right now, its the world of socialism. Your sincerity and dedication is valuable only if your soft skills are modified enough to impress the surrounding you live in. Socialism is an very important weapon in the modern era. Either you are with the group or you are no where.

To explain it in a better way, let me give you an example.
A bright student who is concerned with his marks, with his work. But he is too negative about his classmates. This kind of nature maybe helpful to him in the first few months, making him noticed among the faculty and administrative. But after few months, due to his insulting nature towards his classmates, everyone stopped helping him. Each faculty too got to know about his nature and stopped appreciating him. Lastly this affected his studies and image.

Socialism in today's world is one of the major quality everyone should have. Its a must. If you really wanna succeed in today's world, be a social creature or turn into one ;)